Opening Gags - Series 41 Episode 1

ROY: Thank you very much, folks, and welcome to the show. The show that does for the news what does for 's election chances!

Well, we're back with a new series, eh folks - sooner than we thought - and thanks to 's cock-up, we've got the band with us as well!

And it's all been happening while we were off the air. Did you see that transvestite who stalked a MP for the last two weeks in August was arrested? Quite right too - the MP had booked him for the first two weeks in October! And there is that MP - well done!

Oh and are clamping down on call girls adverts in phone boxes. Yes, they say it's their job to screw ther public! I think so!

And with the royal divorce finally through, says he can devote more time to his first love - riding. I thought looked a bit knackered in them photos, didn't you?

Yes, and after her £15 million - Thank you, Sir! Late but always welcome! Oh, and after her £15 millon divorce from Charles, is said to be looking for a new man. Blimey, for that price she could get, couldn't she, eh?

Some sad news though - who created the  has died  Yes. The memorial service will be at G6 on page 92!